Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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