Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
