I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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