I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
