haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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