When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
