Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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