I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
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sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
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That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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