Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
