I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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