I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
