When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
