So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
