i would punch a child for taco bell
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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