I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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