so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
