If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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