like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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