i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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