Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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