so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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