Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
