Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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