i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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