I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
