He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
