No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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