I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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