Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
