pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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