i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
