I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
