you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
