you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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