There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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