a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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