I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
