I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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