Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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