Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I understand Curling. That high.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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