Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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