Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
