im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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