my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
