i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
