I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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