why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
