i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
