I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
