I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
