Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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