There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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