so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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