i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
