It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the day after is always just damage control
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
