You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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