New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
