even my farts smell like vagina
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
